Is Your Dry January Already Soaked?
New Year’s resolutions can be a wonderful or terrible tool depending on how you use them. Many of us love the feeling of a fresh start as we tell ourselves we will let go of old habits and practice new ones sure to bring us the outcomes we crave, like health, clarity and abundance.
Many of us begin the journey to a new version of ourselves full of good intentions, all the while white knuckling it until we just can’t anymore, eventually caving to old habits. For some of us it’s a day. For others it’s weeks or months before we give in to old habits, which are really just strong neural pathways in our brains. This fail is to be expected. It is expected because most of us do not have endless will power, meaning you can only white knuckle it so long before you let go. It’s important to understand that willpower is finite and we use it with every single decision we make through the course of the day. Decision fatigue is a real thing that will leave you feeling empty of will. And if your reason to change isn’t compelling enough to keep you on track you can pretty much count the days before you give up.
If missteps when changing behaviors are to be expected, then why do so many of us use them as a reason to give up completely? It’s an interesting question to pose to yourself. And if you do it enough, I bet you will find some thought errors that are way upstream in your brain where you use your falls from grace as ammunition to beat up on your worthiness. When we feel unworthy or less than, it’s really, really hard to take proactive actions for ourselves. It’s as if we don’t have the energy to do what we know is right. That is because the way we feel is the driver for ALL of our actions plain and simple.
Over the years we have watched the phenomenon of “dry January” play out in many of our patients lives as they hit the reset button. And while 2020 gave many of us more opportunity to drink more than usual, possibly out of sheer boredom or as a tool to temporarily buffer against all of the negative feelings we all experienced as we were forced into looking at the shadow side of our lives and our society at large. 2021 doesn’t seem to be the fresh start many of us had hoped for either. We want you to know, if your dry January is already under water it’s okay. it’s never too late to begin again. It certainly doesn’t mean anything about your worth. You are worthy in this exact moment regardless of any habit you may still have.
Fun fact. All three practitioners, Hillary, Emily and Kecia have different levels of sobriety that they have achieved for years or even decades in one case. We thought we would take a moment to share our experiences in changing our relationship to alcohol.
The truth is, there is no one size fits all relationship with alcohol. We get to decide as adults what we want it to look like and what we make it mean. If you are looking for inspiration to change your relationship with alcohol we hope this provides it and helps you to know you have people in your life that can help you get where you want to go based on true experience, not theory.
Hillary- Let me start off by saying I am not sober. I did, however, decide & commit in July of 2018 to permanently change my relationship with alcohol. Two years prior to this decision, I married the man of my dreams in 2016, who happened to be a sommelier and fine wine importer. My house was and still is filled with fine wine from around the world. Wine had become a part of most days of my life and certainly all celebrations. It was a staple at dinner, enhancing the taste of food. It was routine to share a bottle and wind down together after a long day of work. Trips to wineries with my husband were not uncommon and I loved them!
I never felt that I had a problem with alcohol in the way I perceived alcoholism. I didn’t drink in the middle of the day. I didn’t get blackout drunk or wake up wondering what I had said or done. And I didn’t have hangovers that prevented me from working at the level I was accustomed to. For many people around me, it was curious that I would want to change my relationship as they didn’t see it as a problem. In fact, some even saw it as a judgment against their behaviors, which I found fascinating.
But what I did have was more reasons to stop than I had to continue. It wasn’t doing my health or waist line any favors. It was affecting my sleep, leaving me laying wide awake at 3am feeling like I was combusting in the desert sure to burst into flames at any second. I was irritable & tired the next day and losing my edge. I found myself in relationships with people where alcohol was a problem in their lives and was ruining precious relationships with their kids and significant others which was hard to watch. I even had a family friend die of alcoholism. It was also in violation of my own code that if I was consuming something most days of my life other than air and water I needed, to examine why. I wasn’t at rock bottom. But I knew I didn’t want to stay where I was at either.
I had a challenge though. In the past when I had given something up, I threw it all out. Got it out of the house. Changed routines and white knuckled my way through. Distracted myself with something else etc. It was clear that approach was not going to work this time. Wine was now a permanent fixture in my home and in my travels. I had to learn how to not want it when it was right in front of me. Instead of changing my circumstance or trying to change those around me, I had to change my own my own mind. I had to learn how to watch the urges come and override them anyways. I had to learn to fall down and be kind to myself as I started again instead of berating myself. I had to learn how to communicate my fears to my loved ones that were going to continue to drink that this was somehow going to change my relationship with them (it didn’t btw). I had to learn to not make it a big deal in social situations and that it was okay to decide not to drink without going into my reasons why and being terrified of what others would think or say about my choices. I had to learn by trial and error what I wanted my relationship to alcohol to actually be. It was a process. And one that I am super grateful to have. It has given me clarity on so many things- habits, judgments, self-loathing, commitment to myself, my learned tendency to buffer my feelings with food or drink, and better physical health and a more stable mental emotional landscape.
Ultimately, I landed in a place that is comfortable for me and allows me to reap the benefits of health and still purposely indulge from time to time. I choose to imbibe no more than 6 times a year. It’s usually a special occasion and I always decide at least 24 hours ahead of time that I am going to have a drink, what it is going to be and when I’ll stop. If I find myself with the thought, “Today sucks, I’d really like a glass of wine tonight,” I see it as a symptom/gift that there are some emotions I need to process instead of avoid and I do some journaling or talk with a friend instead. And if I do slip up and drink in a non planned situation, I unpack the why behind it and practice not beating myself up for not being perfect. For some, these self imposed guidelines may seem too strict and for others it may look like a slippery slope, but for me at this point in my life it’s my version of a middle road I’m happy to be on and that’s all that matters, until I say otherwise.
Emily- Let me start off by saying that I’m not so sure this is the best month to quit drinking…
I celebrated my 9 year sobriety “birthday” this January 1 and even so-five days later, as I obsessively watched the storming of our nation’s capitol, I seriously had to sit with the idea of swilling the 190 proof grain alcohol that is always in my house for our herbal extractions. ( I did not, but in full disclosure, I did drive to Krispy Kreme at 10pm for hot donuts. No one is perfect, and donuts have never gotten me in any trouble.)
I probably quit drinking over 100 times and made a million deals with myself. Always it was only a matter of time for a day to be “bad enough” or sometimes even “good enough” to excuse falling back into alcohol to console or celebrate and become someone I was not. (That girl was popular and funny and an absolute blast!) And while it’s true alcohol conquered any social anxiety I might suffer from and made me appear to be that girl, it was always to excess. In a former life, a career bartender, drinking was very much the center of my life both socially and economically. I was a highly functioning binge drinker and would typically spend 3-5 nights a week black-out drunk but somehow still operational by the end of the night or next morning. This went on for 2 decades and came with a host of associated ills~abuse of other substances, terrible sleep patterns, a craptacular diet and a pretty steady state of dehydration depleted my immune system and terrorized digestion. I was also really angry and irritable most of the time. My life was not in shambles and was, sadly, pretty representational of how most of my circle also lived. However, this way of living did not do my relationships, my finances or my health any favors and eventually, this pattern became entirely too much for my body. I would spend days recovering from even a few drinks. (This was my liver crying, “uncle” so to speak.) I was also never any good at moderation and many “just a glass of wine” dinners would find me waking on someone’s floor/couch/porch a day or two later, with little memory of time in between. This realization was painfully slow dawning, that I was destroying my body and disconnecting my mind to be someone else.
It took me many starts and stops to begin figuring out who I really was, who I wanted to become, how to love myself, take care of my earthsuit (this amazing human body) and how to FEEL WORTHY OF FEELING GOOD! I fell off repeatedly, beat myself up endlessly, apologized to people ad nauseum; but somehow thankfully kept waking to another opportunity for change each day. These failures were part of my process, as well. Unlike Hillary, I did necessarily experience a lot of social shift, or letting go of people and them letting go of me. My circle has shrunk significantly and is truer and more supportive than it ever has been because it’s actually me here now and I am known.
Meditation, yoga/pranayama and outdoor physical exercise have been my primary tools in this endeavor and finding a new passion in life was absolutely essential for my recovery. This passion began in the plant world, just doddering around learning to grow things to eat and use medicinally and has turned into the lifelong learning path I now travel in Traditional Chinese Medicine. I have used a lot of tools and read a lot of books and listened to a lot of people wiser than myself. I drink loads of tea now. I enjoy plant relaxants like kava or kanna or kratom when I go out and am present socially for those I love in way I never was able to be with alcohol. I’m not a raging bitch all the time. I pay attention to how I’m feeling and reach out for support when I see old thought patterns floating up. I take time for self care~regularly having acupuncture/massage/float therapy and make sure to do things that fill my bucket~hiking with my dogs, paddle boarding, or unplugged time with my wife. This week has been a chance to practice these skills. There will inevitably be more. I still abuse sugar on occasion as replacement, as evidenced by that donut run. (More on sugar acting just like alcohol in the body in a future blog.) I sometimes still struggle with being “boring.” I’m also still a work in progress, as it should be.
BUT, I also would like to say that alcohol itself is not bad and fermentation is a gift from the gods! It just isn’t a gift that I personally get to enjoy in that form any longer. I think I used up my allotment! Furthermore, this does not mean I believe everyone needs to or should quit drinking. However, if you are looking at your relationship with alcohol and seeing something you don’t like-it might be time to evaluate letting it go for awhile just see how that thought feels. Do you clench up anywhere with it? We all have resources and tools we love sharing if you have questions or need some guidance. Everyone’s path here is their own, and there is no right way or wrong way to find your middle road or your path to complete sobriety if that is what needs to be.
On that note, if January hasn’t been the best month to give up alcohol (and we totally get it)-Lunar/Chinese New Year is February 12! Every day is a new opportunity for change!
Kecia- Over 22 years ago I found myself on the floor after a night of heavy drinking, I was physically unable to pick myself up. The hard reality that the way I was living was ultimately going to kill me was heavier in that moment than it had ever been. It would take me another 3 years until I was able to fully surrender. I went on to lose what little bit I even had in that moment, even though It was life or death for me. Over those 3 years I would repeatedly try to not drink or use any other intoxicants. Only to find that I would give in to the craving, which would lead me to justification to do the blackout thing again and again.
I didn’t know that putting even the smallest amount of alcohol into my system would set off a craving that does not have an end point. One drink becomes 5, 6, 7…..to the point of black out. Which is a dangerous place for many reasons. Often by the 3rd or 4th drink, any ability to reason is also gone which leads to very poor decision making. So, for me, there are no social events or special occasions with alcohol as they will become disastrous. Just “one drink” is not a concept that I can take on.
I had found other people who were also not wanting to use intoxicants that could show me by example, a different way of living. But I was still, on some level, trying to do it on my own. It wasn’t until I was able to surrender to a power greater than myself that I was able to really start living a sober life. I have never been a religious person. I was not raised with any particular rituals of any kind or taught to follow any particular creed. But the idea that there was something outside of myself working in my life was easy to understand. I had been in many situations up to that point that I most certainly should not have walked away from. The idea that a power greater than me had been working in my life even without my awareness seemed an acceptable answer. This was also incredibly comforting to me, as trying to be abstinent with just my own willpower was obviously not working.
Over time I began to look for more and more ways to deepen that spiritual connection. I was like a dog on a leash without direction, with just enough freedom to get all tangled up. Now that I have experienced the freedom that came from that surrender, I never want to go back to that way of life again. No matter how hard things get – and let’s face it – life is hard and can throw you some obstacles and painful situations. I have gained access to a much larger tool belt of practices, skills and coping mechanisms that don’t involve intoxicants or numbing agents. Today I know the importance of both the support of others who are walking this path as well as maintaining my direct spiritual connection. It has proven, time and time again, to be a much easier and softer way to live.
I eventually came to learn a Buddhist approach that helps me to understand that life means suffering and that there is not only a cause, but also an end to that suffering. This is not to say that I don’t still sometimes eat more cookies than I should. But I know when I do that there is something to be explored. I can sometimes explore quickly, and sometimes slowly. I am not perfect, and I hope to never be. If I simply allow myself the space to sit in meditation or take some time to explore some inquiries into myself, I can usually come to understand the driving force behind my urges to check out. I like this path because it allows me to be human. To be sad. To be disappointed and angry and embrace the fact that all of it is temporary. The fact that I get to actually experience those things and still be present is a beautiful gift.
Today I have an incredible life in which I experience an abundance of peace and serenity, self-love and compassion. I would not be able to have and experience those gifts without sobriety. I am able to be present with those around me. I have the opportunity to be of service to others on a daily basis. I was able to discover my passion for health – mental, physical and spiritual and the balance of all of them. That passion has afforded me the opportunity to develop a career based on those principles. For all of that I am eternally grateful.
If you are struggling with making changes to your relationship to alcohol, we hope this has given you perspective and inspiration of how your process will be unique to you and that there are people around you that get it is a process and are willing to listen to and support you in a non-judgmental way no matter how long it takes for you to get where you want to go.
With love & gratitude,
Hillary, Emily and Kecia